My roommate doesn’t like when my boyfriend comes over. What should I do?

NetherCraft 0

My boyfriend lives on the other side of town and we only get to see each other on weekends. Sometimes he’ll come over and spend the whole weekend at my place, sometimes I’ll stay at his place just the same. Lately, my roommate has been getting really angry and frustrated whenever my boyfriend comes over. I’m not quite sure what to do about this. My boyfriend and I either stay in my room to watch movies or we’d go out into the livingroom (which no one ever uses) to play some video games. We stay well out of her way and the only time he leaves my room or the emptiness of the livingroom is to use the bathroom! We’re not loud, we clean up our mess, and he even helps me clean up the apartment. Sometimes he does everyones’ dishes, and cooks dinner for us! The bills aren’t effected since the rent is all inclusive. I really don’t see any reason for her to be angry or complain about anything. She got so upset about it one day that I sent my boyfriend home only to spend the rest of the day sitting in my room, home alone, with nothing to do. Is it right to completely stop my life so she could be happy? Nothing changes from when he’s here and when he isn’t! My roommate didn’t even notice when my boyfriend and I left the house and returned hours later for dinner! My boyfriend and I don’t do anything to harm her in any way, so what am I supposed to do?

My roommate and I have spoken about this issue a few times. She understands that she has no reason to be upset with him being over, and claims that the thought of his presence makes her angry. Says that she just isn’t comfortable having him in the house, and even when he isn’t doing anything wrong, she gets upset that he’s even here and asks that I respect her feelings towards him… Uses the line: “I pay rent for this place too” when I do just the same! She’s free to do whatever she’d like, at anytime (even when he’s around – obviously) but chooses to stay in her room either way! How am I supposed to deal with that?

We’ve discussed this issue since before we moved in, and continue to discuss this issue every time he comes over! I respect her feelings and the fact that she feels uncomfortable having him around, which is why I only see him on weekends, and we make plans to keep well out of her way – either by staying in my room, going out for the day, or just heading over to his place.

She stays in her room even when he isn’t here! She’ll come out and try to talk to me for a bit, then crawl back into her bed to do work or watch TV. The only thing that changes from when he is and isn’t at our place is the fact that she can’t walk to the bathroom in her underwear for a fear that he might see her… But we’re always in my room anyways!

She has people come over without notice quite often, but it’s really none of my business, and I deal with it. She was away for a night and I had my boyfriend come over to keep me company, she came home the next day angry because he was her

7 Answers

  • Have you considered asking your roommate why they are that way?

    *EDIT* Well, you have tried to be reasonable, you have tried to discuss this with her as an adult. She needs to come to the understanding that yes, she does pay rent there, but so do you. And I am sure that there is nothing in your agreement that states that she has to like your boyfriend. You have just as much right to the apartment and to have friends over as she does. If she is not mature enough to be able to deal with this, then it is her problem, not yours. I’m not sure how much longer you have on your lease, however, if it was me, I would look for a new apartment or roommate. In the short term, if she wants to act like a child, then treat her like one and just let her know that whether she likes it or not, you are not going to allow her to dictate who you can date or have over. Put your foot down. She should respect you as much as she wants you to respect her.

  • While your roommate is in the wrong here for simply getting angry with you and not communicating what her problem is there might be more to this issue then she’s just getting upset for no reason. I would sit down with your roommate and ask her calmly why she doesn’t like your boyfriend coming over. There might be something you’re doing that’s disrespectful that you don’t even realize you’re doing, or something that’s going on with her that you can’t see that’s complicating the situation. Perhaps religious beliefs or the way she was raised makes her uncomfortable with the idea of a man she’s not married or related to sleeping in the same area as her even if he is sleeping in your room. And while that may seem silly to you it really doesn’t matter how you feel about it, it means being respectful of what makes other people comfortable esp when you’re living with them. There could also be some sort of trauma that she faced that makes her uncomfortable with the thought as well. Something that’s not easy for her to talk about.

    If you talk it out with her then hopefully you can figure out what the issue is and find a way to solve it or reach some sort of compromise that fits the both of you. If not, or it turns out she really is just being unreasonable, or you can’t come to a conclusion that you both are happy with, it might be time to consider moving out. Either with your boyfriend if that’s what you wish or finding a place with another roommate who doesn’t have these issues.

    Quick Edit: Again it doesn’t matter if you think her discomfort is silly or if she doesn’t have a reason that she understands for it. The fact is if she’s not comfortable with it you still have to be respectful of that (and did you consider that the reason she stays in her room might be because she’s uncomfortable with having him around?). And while yes you do pay rent and she pays rent your boyfriend doesn’t and while I don’t know everything about your situation I’m assuming you probably didn’t discuss him spending the night beforehand when you both started living there?

    The way you deal with it is as I said. You either try to find a solution that makes you both happy, move out to a place where you can have your boyfriend over without issues, or simply don’t have him spend the night anymore. Because you both have a right to be happy and feel safe where you live and regardless of how stupid you might think her reactions are it’s wrong of you to put her in a position where she doesn’t feel safe or comfortable in her own home.

  • It is important that your boyfriend doesn’t move in to the house. It is not fair for him to always be over. She has the right to feel comfortable in her home. However, that does not mean he shouldn’t come over at all. She does sound unreasonable about this, so u need to make a timetable. With my roommate we all hate his girlfriend, however we do respect that they are a couple and she should be allowed to come over. So we negotiated she comes over only once a week.

  • Negotiate with her specific weekends that you will stay at his place and he will stay at your place. It can’t be every weekend of every month. Have a shared calendar in a public space (Kitchen) where it clearly says a month ahead of time when he will be staying over and when you will be at his place.

    Every other weekend or every third week should be reasonable enough for her.

    Now is probably around the time that you should consider moving in with your boyfriend if possible.

  • specific you may ask him to go away yet this would reason a controversy with you and your roommate. you additionally can call the police and report expenditures for the wear and tear he led to, or motives interior the destiny. you do no longer would desire to place self belief in her to do it. yet another selection could be to get a restraining order to maintain him far flung from you, which in turn does no longer enable him on your place. If he refused to conform he could be arrested and charged.

  • I suggest you having him stay over just 1 night and then stay over his place. Tell her she needs to just deal with it because this is what happens when adults share apartments…you bring your friends/BFs over occasionally. As long as you limit your bf to sleeping over just 1 night (fri OR sat night) and try to stay in your bedroom most of the time, then she needs to just learn to deal with it OR she should get her own place. You need to tell her you will limit the amount of days he comes over BUT he IS coming over since this is YOUR PLACE TOO!

  • Dear Wanderlustbabe

    Having read your detailed description it sounds like you’re feeling frustrated and victimised (or “were” given that its been 11 months) because you are being made to compromise your lifestyle, when you feel that your housemate is being unreasonable AND… you may very well be right.

    I agree with my fellow commentators that you have been reasonable with your housemate and that rationally, there’s no reason why she should be upset… but she is…. and you have two choices in front of you (well more than two, but I intend to only address two to prevent this response being too verbose)

    1. Like my fellow commentators suggested, confront her, tell her to grow up, respect your rights and essentially ‘ꜱᴜcκ it up’ OR

    2. Since you posted your query/ vent (I’m going to assume query) in the society and culture section, try to understand where your housemate might be coming from and address the underlying issue.

    Option 1 is perhaps the most emotionally satisfying and the option one might feel most justified in doing in your circumstances, but it will undoubtedly build resentment in your housemate, which in the long run will prove to be detrimental to all involved (in one way or another) OR

    Option 2 would require slightly more analysis on your part but I recommend this option as a valuable mental exercise that could: resolve your tension with your housemate (assuming you’re still living together) and/or alleviate feelings of frustration by understanding where your housemate is coming from (because perhaps she doesn’t quite know either)

    Since my fellow commentators have exhaustively championed option 1, I would attempt to look at option 2.

    Lets review the details so far in summary

    ‘Your boyfriend comes over. He has marginal impact on the household, both financially, physically or socially, yet your housemate finds his presence upsetting. Why?’

    I suggest two possible reasons:

    1. We grow up being taught about stranger danger and to feel uncomfortable around those that we are unfamiliar with. We perceive the home as a sanctuary from all those external things that upset us, but when the home becomes invaded (or is the origin of those things), we feel trapped and violated, unable to escape. This builds resentment (with the person often unaware of the cause). After prolonged periods, the resentment turns to anger and bubbles internally until the unconscious mind starts manifesting slights to justify the emotional reaction in the hopes to resolve whatever is causing distress when confronting the issue. If this is the catalyst for your housemates distress. then the solution is not to hide away and be less intrusive rather its the opposite, change your housemates perception of your bf as not a stranger to whom to fear, rather a friend with common interests as your housemate. Once your housemate perceives your bf as kin, she should no longer experience negative emotions to his presence.

    2. If your housemates negative reaction is like this only to your bf (when you have friends over just as regularly but she’s fine with them) then this could suggest something deeper related to your housemates circumstances. If your housemate is single or has very limited relationship experience, not only would he/she be unable to relate to your situation (decreasing his/her inability to self soothe) but it could also be jealousy on his/her part. Your bf being over would be a trigger, serving to remind him/her of what he/she does not have. Note: I loathe to use the term jealousy because we often perceive this as an irrational emotional response and it can lead us to therefore dismiss a person’s feelings when in actual fact jealousy is a normal human emotion). The solution to this is still to increase the enɡɑɡement between your bf and your housemate so that your housemate has the opportunity to view him as a non threatening human being. The difficulty is that your housemate must first acknowledge that it is jealousy he/she is feeling before he/she can see past the feelings of righteous rage and move on. This takes time (and in most cases time apart).

    Being almost a year since your post, it would be interesting to see how things turned out.

    Hope your situation has improved. Take care!

Also Check This  What does “Ochen horosho” mean? I think it’s Russian…?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *